Relationships - The right time

Sex is all around you. It might look glamorous and exciting. It might seem pretty scary. Despite what your friends might be saying, not everyone is doing it. In New Zealand, the average age when people first have sex is 16 to 17 years old but you’re not unusual if you wait until you’re older. Some people wait until they are married. It’s your choice. It’s your body.

Am I really ready?

It might be hard to tell. Peer pressure, fear of losing someone if you don’t have sex with them, hormones, lust and curiosity could be influencing you. Talk about it with your partner. Make sure you feel safe and respected. Talk about how you feel, how far you want to go. If one of you isn’t in to it, then it’s not on. If you’re both really sure you want to, then talk about using condoms and lube and other contraception and make an appointment to see Family Planning or your doctor. You don’t want to be worrying about pregnancy or sexually transmissible infections (STIs).

Love or Lust?

It might be hard to tell the difference. Do you talk to each other much? Or do you spend all your time hooking up or making out? If all you do is make out and you don’t have a lot to say to each other then it’s probably just lust. Sex can bring you closer, but if you’re not very close to begin with it probably won’t make much difference. If you’re thinking about having sex then be honest with yourself about why.

I just want to get it out of the way and lose my virginity

Sometimes it seems as if everyone is having sex – except you. But don’t always believe what you hear. It’s really important that you choose when the right time is for you, and that you have sex for all the right reasons. The first time is a once-only experience and it will be heaps better if you really care about your partner and look after yourself. Don’t rush in and end up disappointed with yourself or the sex you have. If you need to get drunk to do it, then you probably don’t want to be doing it.

Am I giving in to pressure?

In your teens there is a lot of pressure to partner off and have a boyfriend or girlfriend. It’s hard if your friends are all seeing someone and talking about sex, whether they are being honest or not. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. Different people have relationships at different ages. You don’t have to have sex if someone is pressuring you. Don’t be pushed into doing something you don’t want.

A Check List For When You Might Be Ready To Have Sex

You're probably ready when you can answer 'yes' to most or all of these...

You feel you could say no and that would be okay – but you still want to do it.
You have made a special connection with someone and both feel it.
You know it’s right and you’re ready.
You may have anxieties about it, but not any fear.
Nobody’s forcing you, pressuring you, or coercing you.
You know you won’t regret it, as much as you can know that.
You’ve agreed you both care about each other and want to take this next step.
You’ve been going out for months and have done everything but, and can’t wait.
You don’t want to have sex to keep your partner, or just to make you popular.
You and your partner are able to talk about contraception and using condoms.
You both want it for yourself – not just because the other person does or to please them.

Only you should control your sex life. Make sure it’s your choice if, or when, you sleep with someone.

Young people talk about sex a lot – not everyone is having sex.

Most people wait until they’re over 16.

Some people wait until they’re married.

Your body – your choice.

Sometime it is hard to make decisions about sexual activity and it is easier to go with the flow, But, if you take time to think about it and weigh up the pros and cons you will be more likely to feel good about the decision you make.

It is okay to decide to delay having sex, or remain abstinent until you are ready, whether that means waiting for a committed relationship or, in some cases, marriage.

How can I talk to my parents about sex?

Is that the last thing you can imagine doing? Or, have you been talking about sex and sexuality, drugs, alcohol and kinds of things since you were young?

We’re in to being upfront and honest at all times so even if it’s difficult, try bringing the subject up with one of your parents for starters. If you think you’re ready to have sex and want to talk with them, here are some ideas:

Tell one or both of them that you want to have a chat.
Talk about how you feel about your partner and relationship and that you’re ready for the next step.
Tell them why you think you’re ready. If you’re not sure of your reasons then maybe you’re not ready.
Show them you’ve done your homework and you’ve though about keeping yourself and your partner safe from infections and pregnancy.
Be calm and listen to their points of view. It’s hard for parents to hear their child is making that step. They might react negatively. Most parents have their children’s best interests at heart and they will want you to be safe, happy and not get hurt – emotionally or physically.
It’s always better that your parents hear it from you than someone else.
Listen to your parents. They do have more experience of life and relationships. If they can’t stand your partner, they may have a point.
Listen to what you’re saying. Do you sound like you’re really ready, or do you need to take another look at your decision?

Abstinence (choosing not to have sex for the time being)

What does abstinence mean?

Abstinence means not having sex of any kind with a partner.

Abstinence prevents pregnancy by keeping sperm out of the vagina. Abstinence is 100 per cent effective in preventing pregnancy. It also prevents STIs.

Abstinence:

Has no medical or hormonal side effects.
Is free.

You might choose abstinence to:

Ensure you don’t get pregnant.
Protect yourself against STIs.
Wait until you’re ready for a sexual relationship.
Wait to find the right partner.
Have fun with romantic partners without sexual involvement.
Focus on school, career, sport or other activities.
Support your personal, moral, or religious beliefs and values.
Get over a breakup.
Heal from the death or loss of your partner.
Follow medical advice during an illness or infection.

Special advantages for young people

Sexual relationships pose risks. Abstinence is a very good way to postpone or reduce those risks until you are better able to handle them.

Disadvantages of abstinence

There are few disadvantages to abstinence.

You may find it difficult to abstain for long periods of time.
You might end your abstinence without being prepared to protect yourself against pregnancy or infection.
You may want to be sexually intimate with someone.
You may not have a choice because of pressure or coercion.

How Do I Talk with My Partner About Being Abstinent?

Talking with your partner about your decision to abstain from sex play is important — whether or not you've had sex before. Partners need to be honest with each other and make sexual decisions together. These are some of the best ways to keep a relationship happy. Even so, it may not be easy to do. You may feel awkward or embarrassed.

It's best to talk about your feelings before things get sexual. For many people it's hard to be clear about what they want if they get aroused. It is helpful to think — ahead of time — about how you can say "no" to sex. What behaviour will be clear? What words will be best? You can practice saying the words out loud. Then think about how someone might respond to you.
Take the time to consider fully what being abstinent will mean for you. It is important to know what you are thinking and feeling and what you need. Then you can tell your partner about it.
Be straightforward about the limits you want to set.

How can I get to know someone without having sex

Keep in mind that having sex is not the only way two people can get to know each other. You can get close to someone and build trust by:

talking.
listening.
sharing.
being honest.
respecting each other's thoughts and feelings.
enjoying one another's company.

Abstinence can only work when both partners agree to it. So it is also helpful to keep talking with each other about why you've agreed to abstain from sex. Your relationship may change. And your decision to be abstinent may change, too.

How Can I Stay Abstinent?

Staying abstinent is a choice you make every day. There are ways to help yourself with that choice.

Remind yourself why you chose to be abstinent.
Think about the consequences.
Don't re-evaluate your decision to stay abstinent during sexually charged situations — stick with your decision until you can think about it with a clear head.
Avoid situations where you can get intimate with your partner – for instance, closed bedrooms.

Abstinence can be difficult for some people. You need to be clear about your reasons to stay abstinent. If you are tempted to have sex, it helps to remember why you made the decision to be abstinent in the first place. How can you stay abstinent? Think about your answers to these questions:

Am I clear about why I want to be abstinent?
Am I aware of situations that could make staying abstinent difficult for me? Can I avoid them?
Alcohol and other drugs can affect my judgement and decision-making ability. How do I feel about not using them?
Are there people in my life I can talk to about my decision to be abstinent? Will they be supportive?

Most people stop being abstinent at some point in their lives. When you decide not to be abstinent, ask yourself

Do I have information about other methods of birth control and do I have access to them?
Do I know how to protect myself from Sexually Transmissible Infections?

There are ways to express intimacy in a romantic relationship without having sex. To do this, you and your partner will need to decide together what is too arousing and too hard to pull back from. Options might include:

Cuddling.
Kissing.
Massaging.