RELATIONSHIPS

1. My partner and I had sex and now he/she wants it all the time, but I don't want to. How can I convince him/her that ever though we have already had sex, I now want to wait before I have sex again?

Regardless of whether you have had sex before or not - either with your partner or with somebody else - nobody has the right to make you have sex or to pressure you to have sex.

2. I really like this person  but I am not sure they are interested. How can I convince them to go out with me?

Most people have difficulty asking people out at some stage in their lives, even those people who you think are really confident. The only way to find out if somebody wants to go out with you is to ask. Some people have their friends do the asking for them, some people send a note and/or a present, and some just go up and ask. Whatever you decide to do, you'll never know if you don't ask.

It is also important to remember to respect and feel comfortable with their decision - whether they choose to out with you or not.

3. My partner and I always used to talk, a lot. But lately he/she hardly talks with me at all, and never about anything meaningful. What could be wrong? How can I get him/her to talk like we used to?

Sometimes people find it hard to approach something difficult, especially with their partner. It could be something that he/she is unsure about, or maybe something they have done. Whatever it is, you'll never know until he/she tells you.

You'll need to decide if you should approach your partner to find out what is troubling him/her, or wait until they are ready to talk to you about it. Tell them how you are feeling and what you want to happen, making sure not to make accusations or slip into blaming your partner

4. I think my partner is cheating on me. How can I find out?

Trust is a very important part of any relationship. The fact that you have asked this question indicates that you are loosing trust.

There are a number of different ways to approach this - from asking your partner directly, to spying on him/her. Any method you choose to employ has its risks.

Some publications will tell you that there is a list of signs your partner is having an affair, such as working late, spending money or increased personal grooming. The trouble with these so called signs is that they could all be innocent.

Whatever you decide to do, you need to make the decision between risking what you have because of lost trust, or living with doubt. It's a hard decision that should not be made lightly. Perhaps you could confide in a trusted friend, or talk to a counsellor or community agency, e.g. Youthline.

Think of ways to spend more time together to improve your relationship. Tell your partner that your relationship doesn't feel the same as it used to and that you want to try to get it back on track.

5. I really like this person but he/she is a lot older/younger than me. Is that OK?

Whether this is OK or not is really up to you to decide. Everybody has their own beliefs and experiences and nobody can tell you who you should or shouldn't date. The exception to this is if you are under 16 years old and have sex with a person older than 16. This is against the current New Zealand law and the older person could be prosecuted for Statutory rape (having sex with a minor, regardless of whether both people agreed to it).

There are a number of things you might like to consider, such as: "Will my partner be accepted by my friends/family?"; "Will my partner want to hang out with my friends?";  "If we spend the rest of our lives together, will the age difference by an issue later in life?".

There are probably many other factors to think about that are important to you. One other consideration is children. Do either of you want children? If so, when? Can you and your partner agree on a time suitable for both of you to have children?

6. My partner doesn't like any of my friends so I spend all my time with him/her. How can I get my partner to like my friends?

Is your partner aware of how you feel about this? It could be that just your partner hasn't taken the time to get to know your friends.

Key components of a healthy relationship are honesty, communication and compromise. The honeymoon period of a relationship can be very exciting and it is common for new couples to spend most of their time together. This is fine.

Also, many relationships are such that the two people involved are each others best friends, and want to spend all their time together. This is fine.

Issues can arise though if your partner is stopping you from spending time with your friends. This could be a sign that he/she is trying to control you (on purpose or without even knowing it). If this is the case and you want the relationship to work,  you both could consider relationship counselling. Check your yellow pages under Social or Community services or ring Youthline (0800 376 633) for a suitable counselling service near you.

You can't make somebody like somebody else, but a healthy relationship would involve some sort of compromise and healthy communication.

7. My partner is always putting me down and making me feel bad about myself. How can I get him/her to treat me with respect?

Healthy relationships are based on respect and equality. By putting you down he/she is taking power from you and dominating you. It is important in any relationship that both partners feel safe and comfortable to express themselves honestly. Talk about how it makes you feel and how you would like them to change.

If you want this relationship to work and be healthy then you might consider counselling, either as a couple, or individually. Or on your own for now. Check your Yellow Pages under Social or Community services, or ring Youthline (0800 376 633) for a suitable counselling service near you.

8. My partner spends all his/her time with his/her mates doing things where I don't feel as though I'm welcome. How can I get him to do things with me?

There comes a time in many relationships where one partner feels the need to have their own space and do their own thing. It has been proven that people do need their own space regularly or from time to time. This is a part of a healthy relationship - being able to spend time together and also time apart.

Talk about how you are feeling. It could be that your partner is unaware of this issue.

9. I want to break up with my partner but I am worried what he/she will do because he/she is very depressed.

You are being thoughtful but staying together may not be helping either of you. Depression is serious and needs to be treated. Knowing that your partner is getting professional help will make it easier for you to leave the relationship. Identify other people who can support your friend before you leave and maintain your support if that is what your partner wants.

10. I have a partner who I love very much but I am in love with another person as well. How can I choose between them?

Only you can make this decision. Talk with someone you trust so that you can work it out. Maybe a trusted friend, family member or even a counsellor.

11. I really love this person but my parents say that it is just a crush. How can I tell if I really love him/her or not?

Love is a word that means different things to each individual. Only you can work this out. Remember that your parents have lots of experience and you may want to consider what they have to say.

Sometimes parents don't realise how important or how deep their son or daughter's relationship is and don't take it seriously. Talking about your relationship and making time for your parents to get to know your partner will help this understanding.

12. My partner wants to have a threesome, but I'm not sure if I want to. I'm really scared that my partner will leave me if I say no. What can I do?

It is important in any relationship that both partners feel comfortable to be honest about what they like and don't like and that this is respected by the other person.

If you are either unsure, or sure that you don't want to, that's fine. It is not a good idea to do something purely to try and please your partner, especially if it makes you uncomfortable. Talk with your partner about this. If your partner leaves just over this, then you might want to consider how much respect your partner has for your boundaries.

It is important for every individual to be able to be honest and open about their boundaries in any intimate relationship.