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Sexuality / Sex – what’s the difference?

Sexuality is more than sex.  Sex is about the physical act of having sex.  Sexuality is a basic part of who someone is and includes our values, attitudes and behaviours. It involves relationships with other people, feelings, communication, intimacy, attitudes to ones own body, and ideas about how men and women should behave.  Sexuality is with you from the moment you are born until the moment you die.

Teaching your child about sex is just a small part of sexuality education.

Children learn by observing their parents, how they relate to others, how they express loving, caring feelings and how they respect other people’s differences – including different values. 

Why talk to my child about these things?

Children and young people want their parents to be the first to talk to them about sex and relationships.

Children learn from their friends and the media, whether you want them to or not.  If you do not talk to your child, how do you know the kind of ideas they are getting?

Silence is also a message. It implies there is something wrong with bodies and sexuality. We all feel embarrassed by personal questions – but it sends a good message to children if we show that it’s OK to talk about sex and sexuality. 

If you want your child to come to you for support when he or she is a teenager then you must start developing good communication when he or she is little.

If families are confident talking about sex and relationships, young people will find it easier to resist peer pressure, express their beliefs and values, challenge bullying and be able to understand negative messages about sex and relationships.

Research shows that young people who have good sex education start having sex later and are less likely to have an unplanned pregnancy or get a Sexually Transmitted Infection (STI).

How do you feel about sex and sexuality?  Our different backgrounds and experiences make us who we are and influence how we feel about our sexuality.

We can respect our own culture and the values of our parents but at the same time we need to prepare our children for the future. We cannot insist that our young people share our views.

When do I start?

Start early, if you can, before they start to experience bodily changes.  If they don’t get the information they may be worried or afraid.

How do I do it?

Prepare yourself – talk with your partner, friends or adult family/Whanau to build up your confidence.

Use everyday situations to talk about sex and relationships .e.g. while watching TV, or doing the dishes.  This makes your child feel that sex is a normal part of family life and not a special or embarrassing subject.

Children learn by stages, not ages.  However, here are some suggestions for talking to children and young people of different ages.

Birth to two:

Young children are sensual.  They learn about themselves and the world through touch.  They learn how to love through being touched. 

Boys have erections from birth and girls lubricate from birth.  By the age of one year most babies enjoy touching their genitals.

If a baby is reprimanded for or discouraged from touching their genitals they will start to feel there is something wrong with this part of them.

This is a good time to start naming the body parts.  You can point to and name parts of your baby’s body.  By the time they are two most infants like pointing to and naming body parts.

Three to Four:

By this age children are aware of gender differences.  They peek under each other’s clothing. Don’t panic! It’s normal behaviour for an enquiring little mind. They like to undress their dolls and check the bottoms of pets.  They begin to repeat swear words and have fun with toilet humour.  They are not embarrassed to use words like “penis” and “vagina” unless their parents are.

At this age children may enjoy masturbating.  This is a good time to start teaching them about public and private behaviour.

This is also a good time to start talking about public and private body parts and wanted and unwanted touching.

Reinforce the facts of reproduction, in simple terms, when the chance arises.  E.g. if you see a pregnant woman bring up the issue of pregnancy and how a baby grows inside a woman’s tummy.

Reinforce teaching with books and illustrations.

Remember the way you say something tells them more than what you say – try to sound gentle.

Five to eight:

Children at this age continue with sex-play and masturbation, unless taught otherwise.

They start having strong friendships with people of the same sex.  This is a good time to talk to them about how friendships work.

At this age they are intensely curious about pregnancy and childbirth.  This is a good time to reinforce earlier learning and build on it. E.g., if you are unpacking shopping with a box of tampons in it explain what they are for.

At this age children may be able to recite the facts about reproduction but they still don’t grasp the full story.

Ask your children what they know and where they got their ideas from.  It will help you build on what they know.

Answer questions.  Have a phrase for awkward moments e.g. the queue in the supermarket – “That’s a good question.  Let’s talk about it once we get home” – and make sure you do.

Eight – fourteen

Puberty is starting at increasingly younger ages and can start as young as 8 for girls.  Boys may have wet dreams when they are very young.

Boys need be told about periods, changes to girls’ bodies, and how their own bodies will develop.  Girls need to be told about changes to boys’ bodies.

For more information on the physical and emotional changes at puberty click here

Older children may not want to admit that they don’t know things.  Ask them what they know and fill in the gaps. 

Don’t be afraid to say “I don’t really know – let’s work it out or look it up together” Listen rather than judge. Try asking them what they think.

If it feels too personal, try talking about people in books, films and TV programmes.

This is the age to be introducing, or reinforcing your religious or moral views about sexual responsibility.  Don’t be afraid to tell your child what you think, and why.  Try to avoid making harsh judgement, and remember- just because they are asking questions does not mean they are having sex.

What do you want your child to learn about sexuality? Ask them.

If you only tell your children about the scary stuff about pregnancy, infections and abuse, they may feel you are out of touch and will be reluctant to raise the subject again.

Try to balance the subject with positive side.  Expressing sexual feelings can be an important and enjoyable part of a relationship.

If you talk openly about issues such as teenage pregnancy, homosexuality, virginity, abortion and respect each other’s viewpoints you are modelling good relationship skills.  This helps young people to develop their own attitudes and values – which may be different from your own. Help them to make their own decisions. Value what they say. You don’t have to agree.

Remember, there is always a generation gap, and growing up means developing independent views.  If you don’t like the words they use tell them why and suggest others.

Young people learn by taking risks and experimenting.  As adults we often over-react.  Try to keep things in perspective. We all make mistakes. It’s part of growing up and they need to know that you love them even when they make mistakes.

Tiakina tou Whakapapa
taking care of our present and future generations